


Holding on to you

by Yuukya



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Drinking Games, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 08:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15408942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuukya/pseuds/Yuukya
Summary: After the big war in Hogwarts, many students have to repeat the 7th schoolyear, so they can have their graduation.Harry has to fight with depression and anxiety, and finds out that someone has  similar problems.





	Holding on to you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my big sister](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+big+sister).



> This story is for my big sister <3 love ya  
> I did actually write this in the middle of the night because I could't sleep. Who needs sleep anyway  
> And sorry if my english isn't that good ^^

He laid in his bed, eyes wide open. The sweat was dripping on to his sheets, as he rolled around, trying to sleep, but everytime he let his eyelits sink down and let the world around him go black, he saw the memories of his friends dying around him. The blood they lost, their faces wet from the tears of their family members, and he heard screams, so loud in his head, that he was afraid it would exploit. But even louder was the voice, telling him that it was all his fault. He was responsible for all the lifes that were lost that day. Just because he wasn't better, because he couldn't defent them, because he was the boy who survived, while everyone else had to die. He burried his face deep in his pillow. Why didn't he die that day. Why didn't he die so many years ago, why did he have to survive. The tears started to run down his cheeks. Anyone would have done better. Why did it have to be him? He was useless. He coudn't save enough. He cried so much, that he felt like he had no tears left to give. And eventually, the sun did start to rise. But for him, the world didn't turn brighter. Everything still seemed to be pitch black. He heard a voice, this time not in his head, but he still felt like it was far away, muted. He coudn't quite hear what that voice was saying, so he turned his head around, just to see his best friend looking down on him with a worried face. "Did you sleep?", he asked. He nodded, which was a lie. And he new, that no one would belive him. He had puffy, red eyes, which he tried to hide under the blanked. Ron sat down, to be able to look him directly in the face. "I will tell the teachers that you are not feeling well today, no one will question it"; he whispered. Harry just nodded again and waited, till Ron was standing door frame, His friend turned around one more time. "We are having a small party today. A Ravenclaw student would have had her birthday today, if not....you know what..." He went quiet for a few seconds. "Come if you want to, maybe it will make you feel a little bit better, getting out of bed, meeting people. We wanna make it a happy party, not a sad commemorative ceremony. Hagrid offered us to celebrate at his place, he will be away for a few days anyway. The teachers are ok with it as long as we won't stay outside for to long and take care of the younger students." He left. Harry turned around in his bed again and kept lying there for a few more minutes, before he decided to get up. He walked in the bathroom, but everystep seemed to hurt. He felt like he was walking on a thin glass, that could break any second. As soon as he reached the room, he did fall to the floor. His knees hurted like hell and his heart started racing.The screames were back again, his ears were pounding. He did lie down completely, curling up, his hands pressed on his ears, even tought he knew that this wouldn't help in any way. He just had to wait till it was over. It felt like hours, before he was able to get up again. He started to undress, the scars on his arms seemed to burn, making his limbs look like they weren't his. The battle gave him many scars, mental and physical. He turned the water on and slowly moved under the shower. The drops burned like fire, but he didn't turned it off or made it colder, because he knew that it wasn't the fault of the water, but of his mind. Washing himself was hard. Every move, every little thing he did seemed so exhausting. He stepted out of the shower, brushed his teeth and lifted the small razor. "Isn't it tiring", he thought to himself. He didn't shave for a while now, because he was afraid of these kinds of thoughts, but his face looked like a mess and maybe even that little thing would help. "You could just end it now. Only a few hurting moves, wouldn't that be better than all the movements it takes to carry on? It would just take one or two big cuts with the blade and you could finaly sleep." He hated that voice. He hated it so much, but he had to admit, that it was right. It would be so much easier. But only for him. For everyone else, it would become harder. How would Ron react when he came home after class and see, what Harry did. How would the look on Hermiones face be, when they would tell her. And he had gotten parents that lost a son already, the shoudn't have to lose another one. So he ignored the voice and used the blades only for their purpose, even though he used them a little bit more reckless then he should. How many small cuts did he have in his face now? He was to tired to count.  
Next step was getting dressed. After three days just staying in bed he felt weird putting on a pair of jeans and a Pullover. He wanted to go the the lake, but he was afraid that Ron was worried when he wasn't in this place when he got back, so he decided to just read a book, maybe that would distract his mind for a bit.  
It didn't really help, but at least the time did pass, til his friend came back.  
"You are out of bed", he said, surprised. Harry just nodded. His mouth felt dry, but he was afraid to drown on water, if he tried to dring something. "I wanna go to the lake", he said slowly, feeling like he coudn't breathe pressing these words out of his mouth. "Okay." Ron took his hand, as they walked around the school building. It was good to have someone he could hold on to. "We are here", he heard the voice of his friends say these words, before he realised that they have stopped. The sun burned on his skin but it didn't bother him. Out here he could breathe freely. He looked his friend in the eyes. "Thank you", he whispered and hugged him. "No problem, just become better soon, okay?" "Yes"  
They stayed, till it slowly began to get dark. "The party should has already begun", Ron mumbled.  
"Do you wanna go there?" Harry said yes. For the first time, the voices had become more quiet.  
At the party, people of all houses were present. Harry got panic. They seemed to stare at him, even though Ron told him over and over again, that they did not. Still, Harry just took a drink and carried it with him to a corner of the room. Back there, he felt more save, but every now and then he still had the feeling like people were looking. "They are not", he heard a deep voice next to him talking. He looked to the side and say his old rival leaning next to the wall. "No one is looking at you. They are to dictracted by drinking and having fun. They don't care for you." He talked as he could read Harrys thoughts, then he took a sip of his drink. "Pathetic", he mumbled. "How did you become like that? You are such a wreck. I can't belive it." He took another sip. "Dare to play a little game"; he suddenly asked. Harry nodded, even though he was suspicious. "No need to panic Potter. It's just a little drinking game. Truth or dare. Heard of it?" Again Harry nodded. Who didn't? "Okay, so truth or dare Potter?"  
"Dare." "Smile. I really can't stand you when you look like someone did just drive over your cat or something, it makes you look so damn pathetic and that pisses me off." Harry smiled. The first time in days, no weeks. It wasn't as hurtful as he thought. "Now you, truth or dare?" "Truth." "Why do you wanna play with me? Don't you have anything better to do?" Draco looked around. "Do you really think anyone would like to talk to me? They saw me, they saw how I helped the dark lord when it seemed like he was winning. I was already so confused that they let me finish my last year in hogwarts. Even the other slytherins hate me, and i can't blame them." He looked down for a second and took another sip, even though the game didn't require him to. "Truth or dare?" "Truth" "Why did you become like this?" Harry drank. "Truth or dare?" "Dare." Apologize to the people here." Draco drank. "The woudn't care"; he whispered. "They made their opinion on me. Truth or dare?" "Truth" ""Why aren't you going to classes anymore?" Harry drank again. The alkohol was strong. He felt the burning of it and he felt how his sight began to become more blurry. "Truth or dare." "Truth" "Are you trying to cheer me up?" "Draco did raise his drink, but stopped. He already felt a little bit drunk. "Just because I really can't stand you when you are like that. Makes me hate you even more. Truth or dare?" "Dare" "Go to classes tomorrow." Harry nodded. "Okay. Truth or dare?" "Truth" "How are you?" It was a weird question, Harry knew that, but even though he was busy with his own pain, he noticed that something was off with Draco. "No. But don't act like you would care Potter. No one does. Truth or Dare?" "Dare." "Take some more drinks and get out of here with me. It is getting way to loud any by now i also feel like the people are staring. But maybe the alkohol is just making me paranoid." Harry stood up and did as he was asked to. They didn't go far away, just far enough for it getting quieter. The sar down in the grass, next to each other. "Truth or dare?; Harry asked again. "Dare." "Show me your arm." He hesitated, but eventually did so. The dark mark was covered up with scares, so one could just barely recognize it. "WHat did you do?" Harry asked. "Not my round anymore. It's your turn. Truth or dare?" "Truth." Did you think about ending it?" he whispered and drank again. Harry did slowly nod. "Same." He barely heard the voice saying that word. "Truth or dare?" Draco sighned."Truth:" He knew the question already. "What did you do to your arm?" "I tried to cut it out. I wanted to get rid of it, but apparently, no magic can to it, so i decited to try other ways. Truth or dare." "Truth. "Do you sleep?" "No, i try but i can't." Draco looked at him unterstanding. "Truth or Dare?" "Truth." "Why did you fight for the dark lord?" Drago did think about it for a while."The same reason, many did i guess. I was afraid. Simply very afraid. Also my dad did work for him, so what choice did i have?" He drank. "Truth or dare?" "Dare." "Stay with me tonight. Let us just sit here the whole night and drink ok?" Harry agreed. For the first time the voices completely stopped. Maybe it was because of the drinks, but maybe just because he could talk with someone. "Let us end the game." Harry decidet. "One last truth for you ok? How do you think about me?" Draco looked really insecure, so Harry thought about his answer for quite a while. "I don't hate you for the things you did. I don't blame you for anything. You had no choice, so why should i act like you did choose to do anything of it. And in the end, you did fight for us, I think that should count." In that moment, Dranco leant forwart and gave Harry a small peak on the lips. The moment he notices what he has done, he moaned. "I must have had to many drinks. Don't let that get to your head, ok Potter?" Harry nodded. He didn't quite know why, but he felt warm. He felt like he could do anything in that moment and all his bad thoughts were gone for this part of a second. But that feeling was over so fast, that he felt like crying. Draco did just continue to drink, so Harry decided to do the same.  
After a while they were just laughing about something, both had forgotten about what, but they still couldn't stop.  
They were lying in the grass by now looking at the dark sky and the millions of shining stars in it. Harry noticed that they were holding hands, he coudn't tell who grabed the other ones. "Are you sure that you don't hate me?" Draco asked again. Propably the ninteenth time now. "I am." Harry answered again. "Really sure? Cause I do. So why woudn't you?" Draco started to stutter a little bit, as he would soon start to cry, so Harry turned to him and gave him a peak on the cheak. At first, Draco looked surprised, but then he grabed Harrys head, pulled him near und kissed him. Harry pulled his head back, irritated but not disgusted. "Scared Potter?" Draco asked, repeating words he had said so many times over the years, but he didn't meant them in a negative way, he actually never did. Provocated, Harry leaned in again and returned the kiss. They layed there, in the grass, kissing again and again, as if they could just get rid of all their problems that way. Hi softness of his lips, the taste of his tongue, the warmth of his breath, Harry wanted to memorize all these things. He began to shiver, from exitement, but also from the cold wind, that started to blow. Draco noticed, so he pulled back. Harry tried to kiss him again, in this moment he didn't know hopw he should survive without these beautiful lips on his, but Draco rejected. "Is everything alright?"; Harry asked, scar Immediatly the voices told him that he did something wrong. "You are cold right?" Harry nodded. "Then lets go inside. I will let you sleep at my place if you want to. No one will care, since everyone complained about having to share a room with mei have one now for my own." Without thinking about it, Harry agreed. When they walked inside the building, Harry went to this bed first to leave a little note for Ron, so he wouldn't worry.  
Then he followed Draco to the Slytherin rooms. "Is it really okay that I am here?, Harry asked, as they entered the Room. "Even if not, since when do you care for rules, mister Breaking rules every year?" Draco smiled at him. He undressed to his unterwear and Harry did the same. Dracos Boxers had a little snake printed on them and Harry had to laugh about it. Then they layed down on the bed, covered from the blankets. Harry grabed Dracos hand again and immediatly started kissing him again. He passed over Dracos back with his other hand and the blond boy did the same. They kissed each other carefully, as they could hurt each other, not only on the lips but on the neck, the cheak, the forehead and on the lips again. They did this, till they fell asleep, cuddled together as they would be scared to let go.  
The next morning Harry did awake crying. He did finally sleep, but bad dreams did haunt him. But as soon as he opened his eyes, he felt a hand passing throught his hair. "Everything is okay", he heard the voice of the boy, who was holding him in his arms, saying. "Bad dreams can't hurt you. You are awake now." Draco leaned forward and kissed him unter the eyes, like he tried to kiss the tears away. "Harry grabed his back and tried to get him even closer. "You are not alone ok?", Draco whispered. "I'm here." Harry looked up, in these beautiful eyes and kissed Draco. Not just a peak, but a long intense kiss. "I think I really like you", Harry whispered slowly, kinda afraid to say these words. "Thats good"; Draco answered and kissed him back. "Because i really like you too"

**Author's Note:**

> kinda tired....i wrote everything at one time....and it's the middle of the night...hahaha...but i really hope you liked it, don't be to harsh on me, it has been a while since my last fanfiction, and this is the first one i wrote in english


End file.
